Black and Blue Friday and then some

I was off work for Black Friday this year. I have no idea what came over me... maybe it was the potential for free gift cards at my favorite store... or temporary insanity... but I decided to take part in the madness.

I got up at 6:45 AM on Thanksgiving day and went to work. Came home at 4:30, jumped online to check out the BF sales, made my plans and my list. Hubby got home from his brother's about 9:00 and was greeted with "We're going to be in line at Boscov's for the opening, you might want to grab a nap!" Surprisingly, he did not protest AT ALL, which is very unlike him (like most males, he hates shopping, and in the past has flat-out refused to leave the house on BF) and proceeded to fall asleep almost immediately. I was still awake at 1:00 AM when I woke him up to get ready to leave. We arrived at the mall about 2 AM, scoped the place out, and planned our strategy. He was to take the rear mall door and I'd cover the front. They opened the doors at 3:15 and the crowd of people ran like mad to Boscov's to line up for the gift cards. (They were giving away, aside from $ store cards, a TV, jewelry, electronics, appliances, and things like Snuggies and so forth.)

When the horde reached the line, my hubby was standing at the front, alone, and a bit shocked at the wall of people descending on him. They'd opened the rear door first (which was much closer) and being the only one there, he'd had time to saunter over, wait around, and even call me 4 times before anyone else arrived. I was too busy moving my butt at a high rate of speed from the other end of the mall to answer the phone. We scored a $ gift card and a throw blanket. Store opened at 5 AM, we did our shopping, noshed on a few snacks the Boscov's crew* had thoughtfully set out, then cruised over to a few other places to check their sales. Hubby was getting into the spirit, so we looked at tools at Sears and hunting stuff at Dick's.

Two places we avoided: Target and Wal-Mart. Both were having seriously mad doorbuster sales but I was in no mood to get killed over $3 appliances or $5 DVDs. On Thursday I had thought, briefly, about lining up for the $198 laptops, but convinced myself that 3 computers in a two-person household was enough already. Instead, we went for breakfast around 7 AM then headed to K-Mart. That place was bananas! Couldn't get out of there fast enough. There should be a "People of K-Mart" website... it might make the Wal-Mart one seem tame in comparison. They didn't have what I wanted anyway. Hubby, being in some sort of sleep-deprived fit of generosity, then agreed to go all the way to the city, 45 minutes away, to another K-Mart and Best Buy. Picked up a not-on-sale bicycle at KM for 20% off after asking a passing manager about it. I suspect she was willing to do anything to get people to buy stuff and get the heck out and leave her alone. Best Buy's checkout line went to the back of the store, where a helpful employee held up a sign so people could find the end. Took me 5 minutes to find what I wanted (half-price cellphone, woot!) and another 25 minutes to check out.

By the time we got home that afternoon, my eyes were crossed, I'd sprained my knee, and my adrenaline + caffeine buzz was gone. I had been awake for 34 hours straight, with 9 of it spent working, at least 3 standing in lines, and 12 on my feet shopping. I crashed hard, then got up Saturday morning to go back to work. Was it worth it? Moneywise, I saved about $200 on things I'd planned to buy anyway. So that was decent. But I plan to do it again just for the RUSH. Damn that was fun!

*A very special thank you to the extremely organized and prepared Boscov's crew... that's how a BF sale should be done.

Journey, Misheard

One of the funniest websites to peruse when the internet seems to be asleep, and nobody but spambots hawking discount Cialis or degrees-at-home are emailing you, and your Facebook friends have stopped posting lost animals for the night, is Misheard Lyrics.

I just read through the Journey ones. Some are so lame that I wonder if the listener had their hearing aid in backwards, or possibly just posted the lyrics to be funny, but others are very appropriate in retrospect. That is, if you know (and oft make fun of) the history of the band.

"Don't Stop Believin'"

Misheard Lyrics:

Working hard to get my meal
Everybody wants a grill

Original Lyrics:

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill

"Anytime"

Misheard Lyrics:

Moo anytime that you want meat
Moo anytime that you need meat.

Original Lyrics:

Ooh, anytime that you want me
Ooh, anytime that you need me.

Steve Perry was a vegetarian for a long time after getting food poisoning from hamburgers. Twice. I'm sure all the ground beef recalls have sent him back into the garden.

"Escape"

Misheard Lyrics:

They're making laws, but they don't understand
What turns a boy into a farting man

Original Lyrics:

They're making laws, but they don't understand
Turns a boy into a fighting man

It's all the beans from going veggie. Obviously.

"Ask The Lonely"

Misheard Lyrics:

When your feeling loads of hair

Original Lyrics:

When you're feeling love's unfair

Perry was also known for his hair, which has fluctuated between long, mullet, even longer, spiked, and most recently, haphazard defiance-of-age-via-Miss Clairol. After cutting it once, he was quoted as saying he was "saving a fortune on cream rinse." Meanwhile, thousands of Perryloons wept over the loss of their Samsonesque idol.

"Don't Stop Believin'"

Misheard Lyrics:

Some will win, some will lose, some are going to drink some booze

Original Lyrics:

Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues

"Don't Stop Believin'"

Misheard Lyrics:

Brain damage, wasted
Comin' down the boulevard.

Original Lyrics:

Strangers, waitin'
Up and down the boulevard.

"I'll Be Alright Without You"

Misheard Lyrics:

I'll need a ride without you.
There'll be someone else,
I keep telling myself

Original Lyrics:

I'll be alright without you.
They'll be someone else,
I keep telling myself

On-tour band stereotypes aside, Perry also had a little love affair with the bottle. Or maybe it was drugs. Either way, the Raised on Radio tour was a hot mess of hairspray, torn jeans, and an occasional vague and confusing interview with Perry, leaving his fans to say WTF? and decipher meanings on their own using their Secret Perry Decoder Rings (free with 5 proofs of purchase from McCormick Ground Cumin.) Most insisted he was just profound. Uh-huh. There's a reason you don't see RoR live concerts on video. Perry doesn't remember doing them. (We can only hope that someday, when he cleans out his closet, he'll find a box containing a can of Aquanet and a bunch of concert reels and say WHOA! Barry Manilow live! This is GOLD! and release them, but don't hold your breath.)

"Open Arms"

Misheard Lyrics:

Hoping to hide the mean words I said.

Original Lyrics:

Nothing to hide, I mean what I say.

"I never really felt like part of the band." I don't think there's any way that could be taken out of context, despite his insistence. Maybe Neal didn't share his Cheetos during a late-night munchies attack. Or, the other band members were just jealous that Perry never felt the need to stuff his pants like they did. (I suspect he was ostracized due to all the bean farts, myself.)

Misheard Lyrics:

It's kissing the derrière.

Original Lyrics:

It's kissing the day.

There's a lot of that going on in the music biz. And no amount of it will get Perry to rejoin the group (again).

Bonus:

"Oh Sherrie"

Misheard Lyrics:

But you filled me with the fever
For the flavor of Pringles in nose elves.

Original Lyrics:

But you know that there's a fever
Oh that you'll never find nowhere else.

I have no words.

WTHell-Mart

Today, I had to make a trip to Wal-Mart to pick up a prescription. I also did a bit of shopping in the grocery section. Our hometown markets seem to love huge price markups, but they complain about the big box stores putting them out of business... well... there is no reason local apples should cost 2 bucks a pound at one store and a buck-twenty-nine at another. LOCAL. Not imported from Guatemala or wherever. Not like a fuel-consuming cargo ship or airplane was involved. I buy local whenever possible, often direct from the farmers, but I'm not paying extortion prices at certain stores. Even so, I don't often shop at Wal-Mart and usually drive farther to a smaller store, but today was a matter of convenience and time-crunch.

Anyway, Wal-Mart. That giant melting-pot of humanity, that sociology lesson, that place to go when you really need an ego boost or affirmation that your life just ain't so bad after all. As soon as I walked in, I was met with the shrieking of a small child; loud, shrill, and nonstop. The kid wailed for a good ten minutes straight. It's a Wal-Mart fact that there will be at least one screaming kid present at any time, day or night, and that kid will have one of those voices that carries throughout the entire store. Tip: earplugs are on the aisle next to the pharmacy pick-up counter.

Next to the 17 kinds of earplugs will be the OcuSoft Eyelid Wipes. These are not mascara removers or cucumber pads; this is a product touted specifically and solely for wiping your itchy eyelids. Nothing else. Below that will be a variety of earwax removal products, some of them with scary names like Earrigate 9000 and Scrape N' Scoop. I did not realize wax removal technology had advanced so far. (For the record, one product actually said, on the box, to "use the spoon end to scoop out ear wax and ear debris." Ewwwwww.) Then, of course, are fifty million different kinds of saline solution for contact-lens wearers. It's salt water, people, not rocket science. I would not pay fifteen dollars for a bottle of saline when right next to it is the exact same thing for three.

Oh... the pharmacy line was insanely long, which is why I was noticing the above products. People in line were sending Death Glares of Doom to anyone who even paused nearby, indicating that if someone dared to cut in line, they'd need to pay a visit to the First Aid aisle after being steamrollered by half a dozen buggies. (I'm from the South, they're buggies, NOT carts, the end.) The woman behind the counter said there was no good time to visit the pharmacy, as they'd been slammed for the past two weeks straight. Flu season and all. Great... I really want to be standing in close proximity to flu-stricken folks who haven't gotten their meds yet.

I saw yet another person hit a post outside. (Also a rule of Wal-Mart. If you watch long enough, someone will hit something.) He looked like a young Kevin Bacon, less 100 IQ points, and came speedwalking from the parking lot like Wal-Mart had a two-for-one sale on Skoal that ended in the next two minutes. He bumped into one of the six-foot-tall yellow HIGHLY VISIBLE concrete posts near the door, bounced off, tried to keep walking like it hadn't happened, and proceeded to slam into the very next post. Human Pinball right there. Wish I had a video camera sometimes.

Another rule of Wal-Mart is that, apparently, some people cannot see the giant directional arrows painted on the ground and will invariably drive their Ford Megalith XLT the wrong way down a parking lane. And it will usually be me facing them, going the RIGHT way, with no place to move. About half the time, that other person is pulling out of a prime parking space that I have been sitting and waiting for, but since they pull out the wrong way, some twit in a Hyundai will zoom in from the other side and steal it. Meanwhile I'm holding my breath and hoping the SUV doesn't take my side mirror off as he creeps by. Naturally, he's giving ME dirty looks as if I'm to blame for getting in HIS way.

I noticed, while in the store, that the 80s are definitely coming back around. There was a girl with a side ponytail, leggings, legwarmers, a track jacket, and high heels walking around. She was also wearing blue eyeshadow, if further proof is needed. I also saw a man who looked like Drew Carey wearing obscenely tight bleached jeans. Speaking of, does anyone know if Wal-Mart sells eye bleach? I'm guessing it's near the Snorp anti-snore aid and the ButtFlush Maxx Xtreme Enemas. (Snorp = actual product. BFMXE = probably, but I'm not going to attempt confirmation.)

Mini Reese's cups rock. That is all.